Dear Reader,
Shortly after noon this day, Donald John Trump lowered his left hand upon the Lincoln Bible… and pledged the presidential oath.
Thus he became the 47th United States president. And I extend him my stoutest congratulations.
His foes believe — or at least claim to believe — that the American people have elected a dictator.
He will swallow the key to the ballot box, we have been told. And with it, American liberty.
As most Americans, I was reared in the democratic religion. Thus dictatorship ranks with communism, fascism and related seditions.
Yet the anti-American concept of dictatorship begins to seduce me. I begin to incline in that direction.
How can an American of the reddest dye entertain such corrosive notions? Here is my answer:
The dictatorship I propose is a dictatorship for liberty.
The Selection Process
The candidate must meet all the constitutional requirements of a standard president.
He must be a natural-born citizen of the United States. His age must exceed 35 years. He must be resident within the United States for 14 prior years.
To these three fundamental musts we add a fourth:
He must not want the job. That is correct. He must lack all political ambition. The fire for office must be entirely absent from his belly.
Alas, President Trump wants the job.
How will this dictator of mine be selected? He must be selected by a council of his peers. That is, he must be selected — rather ironically — through the democratic process.
I have not arranged the particular details. I am willing to entertain all reasonable suggestions.
Minimum Requirements for Office
But this dictator will be selected for his apathy, for his inclinations to loaf, for his nearly inhuman capacity to snooze 18 hours of the 24.
Here, once again, President Trump fails.
Once appointed dictator — not nominated but appointed — the man cannot refuse the post. That is, he himself is subjected to a dictatorship of sorts.
Should he attempt to beg off, his request will be denied.
Should he actually refuse the post, he is to be packed off to the gallows… where he will hang… until dead.
Or if the spirit of clemency reigns, he is to be jugged for three consecutive life sentences.
A Practical Necessity
Is the business fair to him? Is the business just? Perhaps it is neither. Yet life is neither. And at times principle must yield to practical necessities.
And a dictator for liberty, at least by my liver and lights, is at present a practical necessity.
The democratic process has itself become a menace to American liberty. And I am heart and soul for American liberty.
Thus I am heart and soul for American dictatorship. Do you follow along?
Assume my proposal goes through — despite all the angels and saints.
Upon taking the dictatorial oath, he proceeds immediately to the United States Capitol… where he addresses a joint session of Congress.
The Show’s Over, Guys
He opens an envelope containing prepared remarks. They read this way:
- Greetings ladies and gentlemen of Congress [battling a yawn]. Unlike you, I don’t want to be here. I’m already missing one of my favorite television shows, so I’ll be brief.
- As dictator, I order the following.
- You will cut spending 25% each year of my four-year dictatorship. If I am reappointed dictator for a second term, the same mandate applies — a 25% annual cut.
- I would order an even greater cut, but I don’t want to shock the system too much. I think 25% is more than reasonable.
- Do not think you can weasel out of it. I know how you people define “cut.” To you, a cut is simply a reduction in the rate of growth. If you were going to spend 10% more on something but only spend 9.9% more, you call it a cut.
- No. I mean an actual 25% cut. If you were going to spend $1 million on something, you must reduce it to $750,000. Again, in each year of my dictatorship (howls of outrage rise from the floor).
By the close of his dictatorship, four years later, government spending will have absorbed a $7.3 trillion gutting — at the going rate at least.
Is the business anti-democratic? The business is anti-democratic, I concede it at once. Yet democracy has sunk the nation $36 trillion in debt.
And very soon, $40 trillion in debt. Then $50 trillion. Then oblivion.
Hence the necessity of this anti-democratic dictatorship for liberty.
Hit ’Em Where It Hurts Most
Mr. Dictator proceeds to inform Congress:
- If you try to disobey me or go around my back? I’ll fix you. I’ll order every lobbying firm in Washington — under highest penalty — to reject your application for employment once you leave Congress. In other words, you can forget your cushy lobbyist job that enriches you far beyond your desserts.
- You will have to find honest, productive employment in the private sector… somewhere… somehow.
- Given your “talents,” it is unlikely you will find such an offer. Your employable skills are largely limited to the dark arts of politics.
- Yes, your days of wine and roses are over — at least for four years and hopefully eight.
- [“This is an outrage! You won’t get away with this!” comes a cry from Congress. It is seconded, thirded, 532nded.]
- Watch me. Remember, I’m a dictator! Besides, you’ve got to get up pretty early in the afternoon to get one over on me. Don’t misunderestimate me.
- Adieu, ladies and gentlemen. If you’ll excuse me, I have important television to watch.
Mr. Dictator Confronts a National Security Crisis
Our freshly installed dictator proceeds to the West Wing of the White House.
In his initial official act, he switches on the television… and repairs to the dictatorial couch.
He instructs the butler to fetch him potato chips and a bottle of Coca-Cola. Hours pass. At which point a phone rings. Reluctantly, Mr. Dictator accepts the call.
It is the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. He yells about a pending national security cataclysm. A terrorist outfit in Nauru is denouncing the United States government.
Apparently — it cannot be confirmed — they are devotees of Czar Putin and Chairman Xi.
The chairman thunders that these Nauru demoniacs intend to purchase a Facebook advertisement to sway the mayoral race of Beer Bottle Crossing, Idaho.
The 7th Fleet must raise anchor, he argues. The Marines must take ship and the 82nd Airborne must take wing… else the enemies of democracy prevail.
“But I’m an enemy of democracy, aren’t I?,” the dictator retorts. “Eh, whatever. I’ll let someone else figure it all out.”
Fight Them There Today or Here Tomorrow
“Sir, if we do not defeat democracy’s enemies in Nauru today,” explains the chairman, “we will have to confront them in Beer Bottle Crossing tomorrow.”
Yet our dictator remains upon his couch, lounging. He is looking at Wheel of Fortune, munching potato chips and guzzling Coca-Cola.
“You need an F, dammit! An F! That’ll solve the damn puzzle. Can’t you see it? I’m sorry, General, did you say something?”
“Sir, this is a very serious matter. This has serious implications for American power and prestige around the world. If we don’t stop these terrorists in Nauru, what does it tell our Pacific allies? And what does it tell Putin? That he can invade all of Europe? More importantly, what does it tell Raytheon — with whom I plan to seek a consulting position once I depart government? That my services aren’t needed?”
A half-listening dictator responds:
“Wake me up when — whatever these people are called — invade California or something. And even then, I’m open to negotiation. I’m even inclined to hand it to them, California’s practically another country as is.”
But sir! (a clicking sound is heard, followed by a dial tone).
Four Years of Peace and Prosperity
The dictator in chief redirects his full attention to the television screen… where it remains for the proceeding four years.
His sole exertion is the fevered application of his veto pen.
These are four years of unprecedented liberty at home. These are four years of unprecedented peace abroad.
Come election time, the American people — initially hostile to dictatorship — chant in unison:
“Four more years! Four more years!”
Regards,
Brian Maher
for Freedom Financial News